Hang in there Emily, as I read your story, I saw so much of myself. I felt like that all through my 20’s and early 30’s, I spent many dollars on therapy and alcohol trying desperately to make it to the next day.
My family was also toxic although not a cult and not violent, but I had to leave them behind to facilitate my own healing, it is hard but at a certain point, you realize that you can still love part of them even though you can’t be near them. Let the good memories (if you have any) warm you like a fire, from a distance it’s good but you can’t touch an the flame. Be thankful for the life that flame brought forth, that was a gift to the world. That is you.
Know that things can get better, just keep on going. I am happily married now with a wonderful daughter, although it took a long time for me to get here. I am not special, the only thing that makes me different from people that don’t make it, is that I kept going. Keep going and keep healing. I’m putting links to these stories to give you hope and to make sure you have something to hold onto when you feel like it’s all too much. Just keep swimming, you’ll get there if you never stop working to heal.
Meditations from Beyond the Razor’s Edge
When I was in my 20’s, I just assumed I’d be dead by now. Or at the very least, a washed-up rock star with scars on my…
Last Year I Wrote My Mother A Love Song
I don’t talk to my mother anymore. I tried over and over in my life to forge a relationship with her, but it just…
Keep playing that guitar, it will help you heal in ways you’ll never expect. There is a wonderful website called Justinguitar.com (here’s a link) he has amazing lessons and songs to learn and he’s totally free! I’ve spent the last year or so brushing up on my guitar playing and this has been an amazing resource.