Parents think that if they tell me what I want to hear, I will automatically believe what they tell me about their parenting.

Erin King

Feb 4, 2020·7 min read

Toddlers have no filter. They can’t keep secrets, and although they are very manipulative, they haven’t yet learned how to lie.

Parents think that if they tell me what I want to hear, I will automatically believe what they tell me about their parenting.

The truth is that every behavior we see in a toddler can be reverse-engineered. So if you think you can hide your dirty little parenting secrets from the world. Know that your toddler is telling on you.

Here is the behavior, what it tells me, and a tip or two to change it.

1. Tantrums that have no end.

I once had a toddler tantrum on me for 2 1/2 hours because she didn’t want to take her nap. I’ve had more than one child have epic, hours-long tantrums.

What this tells me is that the parents give in every time.

Toddlers have no concept of time, so they keep going until they arrive at the result they’re expecting. Their tantrum has no end because they’ve never had the experience of ending one without the reward.

The child hasn’t learned to end it themselves because they’ve never been allowed to let it run its course.

How I break this habit is by just digging my heels in and letting it run its course. It is excruciating, but it only takes one time to let them get to the end of the cycle for them to learn to understand that they don’t always get the desired result.

If you stop giving in and then walk away as soon as they begin acting up, you will starve this behavior.

The tantrums will get shorter and shorter until they disappear. You may have to put up with an hours-long outburst the first time and depending on how ingrained this is. It might take months for them to die off. Behavior like this can be eliminated. But consider the process you will need to endure your payment for creating this behavior in the first place.

And be warned, giving in even once will start the cycle all over again.

2. A complete disregard for being told no.

When a toddler does whatever they want in spite of being told no, this tells me parents don’t follow through with discipline.

When they don’t stay in time out, when they don’t even go to time out when told, I know that there is no discipline at home.

What this tells me is that the parents say no and then turn a blind eye on bad behavior.

It tells me that they put the child in time out and then walk away and forget about them until the child gets up and goes back to whatever they were doing.

These parents make a show of talking the talk and then never actually do the walk. These are the people who exasperatedly say to me, “she just never listens, no matter what we say!” Of course, she doesn’t listen. You don’t back your words up with action.

These children are sneaky and manipulative. They have poor impulse control. They wait for you to turn your back and then do what they are not supposed to. These are the children you can’t take your eye off of.

When you don’t follow through, the child learns that words are meaningless and that consequences have no meaning. These children are the worst behaved at school; they cause problems and get in trouble for never listening.

You must follow through with consequences if you want this behavior to change. Since your child will have become accustomed to being the boss, you will have a fight on your hands when you try to implement proper consequences.

If you decide you can’t be bothered, be prepared for hellish parent-teacher nights and teenage years.

3. Whining and crying about nothing.

When a child whines and cries to get their way, this tells me that the parents over comfort, unable to discern what is real and when they are being manipulated.

Children, and especially toddlers, do what works to get your attention. If something gets a result, it will continue.

Not everything is a scarring experience for your child.

You have to keep your eyes out for the signs of actual sickness, growth spurts, and incoming teeth. But, unless these factors are in play, you are the one being played.

I know this first hand not only, by the way, the daycare children act, but it was my own daughter’s preferred mode of attention-seeking.

When I know a child is crying to manipulate me, I let them get to the end of their crying cycle, and then I talk to them after they have finished. That way, they associate the attention with the stopping rather than the crying.

4. Screaming for everything.

When shrieking is the go-to behavior for asking for everything, this tells me that the parents snap to attention when the child screams.

It tells me that when those parents get yelled at, they move faster, get flustered and beg the child for mercy, usually in the form of bribes.

This commonly overlaps with unending tantrums because this type of parent usually reinforces both behaviors. Typically, they go hand in hand.

These children have no patience or respect, they are stuck in the cycle of infant behavior because mom and dad have not set up any other expectation.

Parents need to understand that after the age of 6 months, children go through several stages where they will be learning painful lessons. They need to overcome separation anxiety, learn patience, and impulse control. They will act out during all of these phases. If we don’t let them emotionally process these stages, they will not move past them. If you try to make everything better every time they act out, you are reinforcing the very behavior you think you are discouraging.

Practicing a little loving detachment and letting them process their emotions goes a long way in putting an end to this petulance.

5. Throwing-up on command.

I’ve had several children who can throw up at will. The first time I experienced, it was quite a shock.

When I child does this, I know that the parents go into a tizzy when it happens at home, I know that there is a power struggle going on and that’s how the child tips it in his favor.

When parents give attention even bad attention, especially when they are flustered or wound up, the child has won. Instinctively a toddler knows that if they can make you lose you cool, they have gained all of the recognition they could want and the upper hand.

My solution is to let them go for it and not buy-in.

I’ve coached several parents on how to stop the behavior. I’ve had many children who continue to do it at home long after it’s ended at my house. The reason is that there is no payoff at my house, if a child throws up on themselves intentionally, I don’t rush to do anything about it.

I give them a time out and let them marinate in it a bit before doing anything about it.

A daycare parent dealing with this (along with me) mentioned they’d instituted a new policy for their child. If he throws up on purpose, he is required to clean it up himself. I’ve come on board with the plan. They say it’s been working at home, so I’m all for nipping it in the bud.

Those are five ways your child is giving you away. Remember, when you are raising a toddler, the only person you are fooling is yourself when you try to whitewash your child’s bad behavior.

Remember, I’m not guessing these conclusions. I’ve spent the last eight years studying not only the toddlers in my care but also the parents. I see them with their guard down. I see them in their homes. I see them when they think no one is looking. They’re not in a clinical lab or on their best behavior.

My studies are in real life.